I’d tell them about the oil I found, but I’m afraid America will invade me

Is drug free the way to be?
Hell yeah, I think all drugs should be free… Do you have any idea how much LSD costs these days? All I wanna do is believe I’m being chased by a giant, headless gorilla with lightning for arms. But no, they gotta jack the prices up.

You have $100 in your pocket, and $50 falls out, what do you have in your pocket?
A girlfriend. Zing!

Have you ever laughed so hard that milk came out of your nose?
Sometimes…. This one time I laughed so hard that milk went in my nose…. try that David Blaine… it was weird though… I was watching a monkey and it was doing all these funny monkey things, and walking around like “Hey, I’m a monkey.” Good times. I guess you had to be there. Macaque.

Who was the last person you hugged?
Her name was D’Wanda. After she left the hotel room she was all “Why would you hug a prostitute?” Listen lady, for $28.94 I better be getting a damn hug at the end of the day.

How many cousins do you have?
17 or 18.. ish… and I’m not even Mexican, go figure…

Do you like what the ocean does to your hair?
No… It didn’t even buy my hair a drink before it had it’s way with my folicles. But you should see what my hair did to the ocean. Lets just say Lorena Bobbit was like “Damn, that’s crazy!”

Is your keyboard sticky?
Well… how else am I supposed to get it pregnant?

Do you care about the ozone?
Nope. Al Gore invented the Ozone to scare us into being vegetarians.

If you were in a porn, what would the title be?
What do you mean if? If you want to see some really great stuff, check out my new movie: “The Chronicles of Pornia: Prince Ass-pian” or if you’re looking for a more family friendly movie, try my sci-fi mega hit “E.T.: The Extra Testicle.” Maybe stoner comedy is more your thing, might I suggest “Whoreold & Kumar Escape from Thongtanamo Bay.” Perhaps you’re in the mood for a high energy special effects about a guy and his super fast car, if so “Peen Racer” is for you (Try to guess what the car is named. Hint: It rhymes with “Mach 5″). Of course you could also see my breif stand-in scenes in “Forgetting Sarah Marshall.”

Do you have a favorite fairy tale from childhood?
Sho’ does. Goes like this: Once upon a US/Mexico border there lived a young Mexican named Laughter Leguizamo. He and his family were poor onion farmers. They’d spend countless hours farming onions, as onion farmers tend to often do. One day Laughter Leguizamo found a puppy and named him Santos. Santos isn’t really important to the story but I thought you might like to know. Santos died a quiet peaceful death. It was a Chevy. Anyway, Laughter and his family would take baskets of Onions to the US border to give to the natives of the US, known as USians. Laughter would watch the USians have hours of fun at their Onion festivals. But Laughter knew he could never join the Onion Festivals because there was a little thing called border patrol that the USians’ Leader Georgedolph Bushtler had put in place so that the Mexicans couldn’t have fun in America. One day Laughter Leguizamo bit into a magic onion that transformed him into a caucasian male. Laughter lept across the US border, renamed himself John Smith, and joined the USians’ Onion festivals. He and the USians would eat onions until it got dark, then a random fire burnt down the USian Onion Festival building. Sad faces were spread about the USians. Without Onion Festivals, what was there for a USian to do? The USians decided to go to one of the local dance clubs and look at the pretty lights that flooded the room. Laughter began dancing, but little did he know, dancing was the antidote to his Magic Onion’s magicness. It was the antimagic. Soon every USian could see that Laughter was, infact, not a USian. One of the USians shouted “Hispanic! At the Disco!” This sent the USians into a blind rage. Non-USians are the prime prey for USians, and they were hungry. The USians chased Laughter out of the dance club and into the night. Soon Laughter was lost and alone. He knew that the USians would still be following him with their torches and pitchforks and grenade launchers. Laughter eventually found himself at the site where the USian Onion Festival Building used to be. Then it dawned on young Laughter as he said to himself “Debo construir un nuevo edificio del festival de la cebolla para la gente blanca.” And he did just that. He built a new Onion Festival Building for the USians in a few seconds. When the USians caught up they noticed the building. They went inside and saw Laughter and his family stocking the rooms with tons and tons of onions. A tear came to the USians’ demonic eyes and that night their hearts grew three times their size. “Who built this magnificent place?” one USian questioned. “It was me!” Said Laughter Leguizamo after eating another magic onion that helped him speak USianese. “Hmmm,” thought the USians in unison. Just then Mittens the Good Point Making Alcoholic Unicorn flew into the building and scolded the USians. “For it was this boy who helped you greedy little fucks get a new onion festival building you should all be grateful,” Mittens the Good Point Making Alcoholic Unicorn said before he finished his booze and passed out in a puddle of vomit and urine. “Mittens the Good Point Making Alcoholic Unicorn made a good point,” One USian said, retracting his claws, “We should thank this Mexican boy for making such a fine Onion Festival Building!” And thank him they did. With cocaine and hookers. They even made him an honorary USian and gave him a job mowing the lawn. But it was Laughter’s good deed that broke down the walls of bigotry world wide. That’s why when you speak of good-willed Mexicans remember this: Laughter is the Best Mexican.