Great Eight XXX: Eight Other Things Tila Tequila Will Take Credit For

Tila Tequila is good for three things: 1. Hosting crappy TV shows, 2. Being a whore, and 3. Taking credit for things that she has no business taking credit for. A California court ruled in favor of gay marriage. Tila Tequila quickly said the ruling was because of her show “A Shot at Love” where EmptyV (MTV) producers pick who Tila kicks off each week so she can end up with one boy or girl and not date them. Tila forgot about a little town called San Francisco, which happens to be in California, which happens to have a large gay community. I’m sure that had nothing to do with the ruling however. Tila Tequila is sure to falsely take credit for other things in the future. What might those things be? I thought of eight possibilities.

1. Whores all over the place. ~ In the Roman pantheon where all the world’s greatest whores reside, Tila Tequila is considered queen. She takes credit for every whoreish act in the world because you can’t out-whore Tila.
2. That Burning Sensation ~ Its no secret that Tila Tequila is a whore. But did you know she has more STDs than Jackass’s Steve-O, John Holmes and all the toilet seats in Las Vegas combined? Its true. You can catch an STD just by shaking her hand. I know what they taught you in school, that STDs aren’t transferred via simple skin-to-skin contact. But that creepy old teacher that taught you about sex ed, you know the one who’s dentures fell out while he explained what happens to the penis when arousal occurs (awkward), yeah, him. He wasn’t counting on someone like Tila Tequila to come along. If STDs were old age, she’d be Keith Richards. If STDs were diabetes, she’d be Wilford Brimley. If STDs were zeppelins exploding in the sky, she’d be the Hindenburg. If STDs were tiny little mythological creatures that had to save Middle Earth by destroying the one ring, she’d be Frodo and Samwise. If STDs were natural disasters, she’d be Hurricane Katrina, The Sri-Lanka Tsunami, the Earthquakes in china, and global warming all rolled into one and placed on her vagina (or as its known to the kids: scab city). If STDs were… Well you get the idea.
3. Inventing the pulling down of pants. ~ In Tila’s skank-bot mind, pulling down her pants is an art form. With her stint on Pants Off Dance Off (aka: Be a whore on TV) she claims she made pants coming off a popular thing to do thanks to her hosting (dis)abilities.
4. Strippers becoming friendly ~ She recorded a great ballad called “Stripper Friends.” Well, actually, nothing that comes out of her mouth (or in her case, comes into her mouth) can be described as musical. But I’m sure she’ll take credit for you thinking that “Glitter Candyrack” likes you.
5. Crossed-Eyes ~ That’s right. If your eyes are crossed, you may thank Tila Tequila. Why you ask? Well, take a look at her playboy pics, sometimes breast enhancement surgery leaves certain pieces a little… unsymmetrical. When she takes her clothes off you think you discovered a lost painting of Picasso. Come to think of it, if STDs were works of art, She’d be the Mona Lisa… Only a whore…
6. Scripts ~ If you ask Tila, scripts for movies, TV shows, plays, anything, never existed until “A Shot At Love” came along. Her heavily scripted show ended with her choosing someone to date. But then, completely unexpected to the EmptyV viewers, she never called the guy back. Hmmm… that’s odd… She got paid a crap load of money to choose a guy, pretend she was bisexual, and keep the entertaining, funny fake-talian around until nearly the last episode, but she didn’t date the guy she picked? Man, that’s weird, its like she wanted to stay single or something so she could do a second season of “A Shot at Love” and make more money. But we all know that can’t be true, now can it?
7. Identity Crisises (Crisi? Criseese?) ~ Fun fact: Tila is not only a whore, but she used to be in a hispanic gang… she’s asian… She was born in Singapore (Singapore, Singing Whore, is it a coincidence that they rhyme?)… Last time I checked, there are very few hispanics in Singapore. I’ve never been there, just a guess. Her real last name isn’t even Tequila, and her real first name isn’t Tila. Her real name is Thien Thanh Thi Nguyen. Which I hear is malay for “Heap big whore-skank.”
8. Taiwanese Lady-Boy Prostitutes ~ Its obvious to everyone that Tila looks like Taiwanese Lady-boy prostitute. But when lady-boy hookers rule the world, Tila will take the credit for starting the fad and be their Queenking. She’s obviously got the lady-boy thing down. And she’s not bad at the prostitute part either. I heard she can suck the words out of a dictionary.

Quotemeal

A lot of people are interested in quotes. Some are profound proverbs from the greatest minds the world has seen, some are witty one liners from the funniest people. Whatever the case, everyone has a favorite quote. I scoured news sites and found some stand-out quotes of my own. These are actual quotes from various news sources, click the links to go to the news pages. Just don’t expect to be floored by the brilliance of some of these quotes.

“It didn’t need power, it didn’t need batteries, it didn’t need recharging. And have you ever tried to hack into my typewriter? It is very secure.”
~ Frederick Forsyth, Pro-Typewriter, Anti-Computer.

“It must be the Spandex that causes people to lose their sense of humor.”
~ Jim Alderden said of Motorist-Bicyclist feuds.

“No, don’t, don’t cut my hair, don’t do this in front of my daughter.”
~ Woman, forced to get her hairs cut by guy-who-thought-she-stole-his-rims.

“I’m accusing Popular Mechanics as being part of the cover-up.”
~ Blair Gadsby on 9/11 conspiracy.

“I’m working on trying to get him off being interested in female parts. He thinks it’s hilarious when he pulls off my shirt. It’s started – the interest in boobies.”
~ Kate Hudson on the behavior of her 4-year old son. Awkward.

“All you have to do is put your tongue on to the ice-cream rather than lick. It really is a lazy person’s ice-cream cone as it does everything for you.”
~ Spokeswoman for rotating ice cream cone holder.

“People feel a lot of shame around computer games. Whereas, it’s socially acceptable to have a porn problem.”
~ Dr. Jerald Block on Porn Addiction vs World of Warcraft Addiction.

“Every conversation would somehow end up being a conversation about sex. I asked for a big ruler and she responded: “Ooh, you like them big do you?” in obvious reference to a man’s penis size.”
~ Stephen Price, about the sexual harassment he had to endure at work.

“I honestly believed that if you shoot somebody, that they would get back up. I didn’t realize that you shoot somebody, they die.”
~ Evan Ramsey on the school shooting he was the cause of.

Quote of the Moment
“I slept in my clothes, because the last time they came, I was in my underwear with my dong hanging out and shit.”
~ Hacker “Defiant” (Who hacked Comcast) said of his impending arrest.

The Joshtionary, Entry III

Chumpstain: A general derogatory name to call someone.

“Handsome” Hanzy Hanzig Heimlich: The name of my European love god split personality. More specifically, he’s the son of “Happy” Hanzo Hanstitch Heimlich, the creator of the life saving Heimlich Manuever. If you ever hear me say “Tasty Treat” in a feminine German accent thats Hanzy coming out.

Uncle Festers: Breasts… don’t ask why… just go with it…

A.C. Slater Fact #11

Mario Lopez is Slater’s mild mannered alter ego.

Great Eight XXIX: Eight Quotes from Movies/TV Shows That I Say Too Much

People love quotes. Especially movie quotes. Frat guys love them the most. You can see fratasses reliving their favorite quotes from Will Ferrel movies over and over, and over… and over again. In fact, it doesn’t end. They are still usinf Ferrel quotes from his first skit on Saturday Night Live. Which is sad three times over. But here are some quotes from TV and movies I use way to much.

1. “I Like-a Da Juice” – Pistachio, Master of Disguise ~ In this feature lengthed impersonation, Dana Carvey utters “I Like-a Da Juice” while drinking Pepto straight from the bottle. I use this when every I’m thirsty and get something to quench my thirst. It also evolved to me calling Mountain Dew, Mountain Juice.
2. “Is there no one else?” – Achilles, Troy ~ Achilles used it to ask if there was anyone else from the opposing army that he had to kill. I use it to see if anyone else wants to go out after my dogs play their inside-outside shell games.
3. “Matt Damon!” – Matt Damon, Team America: World Police ~ Without a script the only thing Matt Damon can say is his name.
4. “Bro” – Paul Walker, Every Movie Paul Walker Was Ever In ~ Bro… Truth be told, bro, I don’t say “bro” that often, brah. But bro, Paul Walker, bro. He says “bro” or “brah” like every five minutes, bro. Seriously, brah, its annoying brah. Its like he’s permanently stuck in his college days, bro. His frat was probably Alpha Brahmma Bromega, bro. In his spare time he probably watches the Brodeo on TV, bro. His favorite insect is probably a cockBROach. When he hangs out with Vin Diesel they probably get really Bromantic. And after they’re done brocreating, brah, They go sledding on Walker’s sled that he calls Brosebud, bro, brah, holmes, bro.
5. “See, I Don’t Like That” – Hellboy, Hellboy ~ Granted, when I say it, its not nearly as intimidating as when Hellboy says it.
6. “Scrambie Eggs” – Chip Douglas, The Cable Guy ~ Jim Carrey’s charactor uttered this as he was being pushed out of Matthew Broderick’s apartment for buying Matthew Broderick a prostitute. In related news, Matthew Broderick likes prostitutes.
7. “Ffffft” – Ninja, Kung-fu flicks ~ Everytime a ninja does something, they move so fast that they actually kill the air particles around them. And when oxygen dies it makes a “ffft” sound. Technically its not a quote so much. But… I still use it every time I do daily stuff. When I sit-up in bed “ffft,” when I type on the computer “fft fft fft fft fft,” when I pour something to drink “fffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffft” pretty much everything, i need my sound effects.
8. “Giggity” – Quagmire, Family Guy ~ I don’t watch too much of the Family Guy, the flashbacks every three seconds tend to annoy me. And if there’s gonna be a spin-off, it shouldn’t be for Cleveland, it should be for Quagmire. At least Quagmire’s funny. There hasn’t been a miscarriage of justice like this since Tony Danza played football against the dinosaurs. *Flashback of Tony Danza playing football with dinosaurs*

A.C. Slater Fact #10

A.C. Slater’s heroes consist solely of dead soldiers of WWI, WWII, and ‘Nam.

A.C. Slater Fact #9

Slater once had an opportunity to recieve Spider-Man’s alien symbiote suit. Instead, A.C. Slater shoved it in a locker.

A.C. Slater Fact #8

Slater eats live rifle rounds for breakfast.

A.C. Slater Fact #7

A.C. Slater doesn’t have dimples. Those were dents of anger. If you ever were unfortunate to see those dimples in person, you were quickly and violently thrown in a locker.

A.C. Slater Fact #6

A.C. Slater invented students having sex with their teachers.