Great Eight XXXI: Eight Movies Paul Walker Will Make In His “Career”

If you were ever unfortunate enough to watch 2 Fast 2 Furious you’ll easily understand that Paul Walker’s method of acting is very simple, he doesn’t act, or he can’t, one or the other. He says bro or brah or breh a lot. Which he does in real life, bro. That scene where he and Tyrese were writhing around on top of each other in the dirt, Paul Walker calls that Thursday. The fact that he always seems to have that dumb founded look on his face. Not acting. His brain isn’t powerful enough to turn is head and control any of his 3 facial emotions at the same time. Not to mention, one of his first “acting” jobs was on a TV show called “Throb.” If thats not a gay porn title, I dunno what is. Anyway… it’s the Great Eight, Brah.

1. The Fast and The Furious XII: Glendale Drift ~ Going back to his home town that spawned such stand out celebrities like Captain Beefheart, The Good Charlotte brothers, and….. I’m sure there were others, or not. Paul Walker will venture to his childhood home where he’ll spot the big wheel he used to ride as a kid. A flickering candle will go off in his head and he’ll get the idea of putting nos in it and… well the movie ends with Vin Diesel wrecking his big wheel, Tyrese Gibson and Paul Walker having a scratching contest on the ground with no pants on and Michelle Rodriguez still being more butch than the three of them combined.
2. Bros of Our Fathers ~ Also known as “Uncles” this film showcases what happened after the Battle of Iwo Jima. Paul Walker’s character and his uncle have a long chat about what happened that faithful day when they went camping together, and when his uncle styled Paul’s hair like Paul was in a boy band and how Paul never changed the hairstyle. After some knee rubbing and a gentle caress of his cheek it won’t be an American flag that his uncle will be raising. If ya know what I mean *wink* (I of course am talking about raising a stick to roast marshmallows with for smores. I don’t know what you’re thinking.)
3. Bro, Where’s My Car? ~ After Seann William Scott decides he’s too good to be in a sequel, Paul Walker will take over his role. This will lead to great dialog between Walker and Ashton Kutcher. Walker: “Bro!” Kutcher: “Dude!” Walker: “Bro!” Kutcher: “Dude!” Walker: “Breh!” Kutcher: “Dude!” Walker: “Bro!” Kutcher: “Dude! What does mine say?” Walker: “Brah! What does mine say, bro?” Kutcher: “Dude!” And then they’ll look for Paul Walker’s car which they can’t seem to find. Pssst, hey, Paul, you gave it to Vin Diesel, remember?
4. Varsity Brahs ~ This movie is the sequel to “Varsity Blues.” The gang is now in college, all in the same frat, Alpha Brho Bromega. They decide to start their very own football league within their Frat. They have just enough members to form one team, they win every game by forfeit due to the opposing team not showing up. The after every game Paul Walker and James Van Der Beek celebrate when James gives Paul a little bit of his Van Der Beek, if ya know what I’m sayin’. (Again I’m talking about smores.)
5. Into The Bro ~ In this movie, Paul Walker and Jessica Alba, and Paul Walker’s conjoined twin Scott Caan swim to the bottom of the ocean (Walker’s a good swimmer considering Scott Caan is attached to his head (and penis (In fact, Scott Caan may be his penis))). At the bottom of the ocean they find the sunken ship of Pirate Warlord Cap’n Rootbeer. In it is a chest of gold, worth millions. Then a shark comes along and eats everyone. Maybe they should rewrite the script.
6. Eight Below 2: Electric Bro-galoo ~ Long story short: Paul Walker, 8 dogs, cold dance floor, some blow, an a lotta love making, know what I mean? (Smores)
7. In This Movie I Go Back In Time In A Tricked Out Import With A Bunch Of Dogs, Bro ~ It’s pretty self explanatory. Buuuuuut… Its directed by M. Night Shaaa… M. Night Shizzlelizzle… M. Night Samwisegamgee… um… M. Night Shouldacouldawoulda… M. Ni.. Its by the guy who did Signs… so expect a twist at the end.
8. The Fast and the Furious LXXIX: The Modded Rascal Scooter Race of Death ~ By this time Vin Diesel, Tyrese, and Paul Walker will be old bros in a retirement home, bro. Paul Walker will be like “Bro, we should race our scooters, Breh” Vin Diesel will respond with “Huh?” and Tyrese will die. Well, Tyrese died a while ago but the care workers haven’t noticed. Instead of betting ‘Pinks’ they bet their hourly doses of pepto bismol, which happen to be pink. They drift around Jebidiah and Corneilius playing checkers (they don’t remember how to play) then they both nearly lose control as they run over Michelle Rodriguez’s saggy man-boobs, Paul Walker dies (last words: “Bro”) and Vin Diesel wreck his scooter and breaks both hips. The End.

Great Eight XXX: Eight Other Things Tila Tequila Will Take Credit For

Tila Tequila is good for three things: 1. Hosting crappy TV shows, 2. Being a whore, and 3. Taking credit for things that she has no business taking credit for. A California court ruled in favor of gay marriage. Tila Tequila quickly said the ruling was because of her show “A Shot at Love” where EmptyV (MTV) producers pick who Tila kicks off each week so she can end up with one boy or girl and not date them. Tila forgot about a little town called San Francisco, which happens to be in California, which happens to have a large gay community. I’m sure that had nothing to do with the ruling however. Tila Tequila is sure to falsely take credit for other things in the future. What might those things be? I thought of eight possibilities.

1. Whores all over the place. ~ In the Roman pantheon where all the world’s greatest whores reside, Tila Tequila is considered queen. She takes credit for every whoreish act in the world because you can’t out-whore Tila.
2. That Burning Sensation ~ Its no secret that Tila Tequila is a whore. But did you know she has more STDs than Jackass’s Steve-O, John Holmes and all the toilet seats in Las Vegas combined? Its true. You can catch an STD just by shaking her hand. I know what they taught you in school, that STDs aren’t transferred via simple skin-to-skin contact. But that creepy old teacher that taught you about sex ed, you know the one who’s dentures fell out while he explained what happens to the penis when arousal occurs (awkward), yeah, him. He wasn’t counting on someone like Tila Tequila to come along. If STDs were old age, she’d be Keith Richards. If STDs were diabetes, she’d be Wilford Brimley. If STDs were zeppelins exploding in the sky, she’d be the Hindenburg. If STDs were tiny little mythological creatures that had to save Middle Earth by destroying the one ring, she’d be Frodo and Samwise. If STDs were natural disasters, she’d be Hurricane Katrina, The Sri-Lanka Tsunami, the Earthquakes in china, and global warming all rolled into one and placed on her vagina (or as its known to the kids: scab city). If STDs were… Well you get the idea.
3. Inventing the pulling down of pants. ~ In Tila’s skank-bot mind, pulling down her pants is an art form. With her stint on Pants Off Dance Off (aka: Be a whore on TV) she claims she made pants coming off a popular thing to do thanks to her hosting (dis)abilities.
4. Strippers becoming friendly ~ She recorded a great ballad called “Stripper Friends.” Well, actually, nothing that comes out of her mouth (or in her case, comes into her mouth) can be described as musical. But I’m sure she’ll take credit for you thinking that “Glitter Candyrack” likes you.
5. Crossed-Eyes ~ That’s right. If your eyes are crossed, you may thank Tila Tequila. Why you ask? Well, take a look at her playboy pics, sometimes breast enhancement surgery leaves certain pieces a little… unsymmetrical. When she takes her clothes off you think you discovered a lost painting of Picasso. Come to think of it, if STDs were works of art, She’d be the Mona Lisa… Only a whore…
6. Scripts ~ If you ask Tila, scripts for movies, TV shows, plays, anything, never existed until “A Shot At Love” came along. Her heavily scripted show ended with her choosing someone to date. But then, completely unexpected to the EmptyV viewers, she never called the guy back. Hmmm… that’s odd… She got paid a crap load of money to choose a guy, pretend she was bisexual, and keep the entertaining, funny fake-talian around until nearly the last episode, but she didn’t date the guy she picked? Man, that’s weird, its like she wanted to stay single or something so she could do a second season of “A Shot at Love” and make more money. But we all know that can’t be true, now can it?
7. Identity Crisises (Crisi? Criseese?) ~ Fun fact: Tila is not only a whore, but she used to be in a hispanic gang… she’s asian… She was born in Singapore (Singapore, Singing Whore, is it a coincidence that they rhyme?)… Last time I checked, there are very few hispanics in Singapore. I’ve never been there, just a guess. Her real last name isn’t even Tequila, and her real first name isn’t Tila. Her real name is Thien Thanh Thi Nguyen. Which I hear is malay for “Heap big whore-skank.”
8. Taiwanese Lady-Boy Prostitutes ~ Its obvious to everyone that Tila looks like Taiwanese Lady-boy prostitute. But when lady-boy hookers rule the world, Tila will take the credit for starting the fad and be their Queenking. She’s obviously got the lady-boy thing down. And she’s not bad at the prostitute part either. I heard she can suck the words out of a dictionary.

Great Eight XXIX: Eight Quotes from Movies/TV Shows That I Say Too Much

People love quotes. Especially movie quotes. Frat guys love them the most. You can see fratasses reliving their favorite quotes from Will Ferrel movies over and over, and over… and over again. In fact, it doesn’t end. They are still usinf Ferrel quotes from his first skit on Saturday Night Live. Which is sad three times over. But here are some quotes from TV and movies I use way to much.

1. “I Like-a Da Juice” – Pistachio, Master of Disguise ~ In this feature lengthed impersonation, Dana Carvey utters “I Like-a Da Juice” while drinking Pepto straight from the bottle. I use this when every I’m thirsty and get something to quench my thirst. It also evolved to me calling Mountain Dew, Mountain Juice.
2. “Is there no one else?” – Achilles, Troy ~ Achilles used it to ask if there was anyone else from the opposing army that he had to kill. I use it to see if anyone else wants to go out after my dogs play their inside-outside shell games.
3. “Matt Damon!” – Matt Damon, Team America: World Police ~ Without a script the only thing Matt Damon can say is his name.
4. “Bro” – Paul Walker, Every Movie Paul Walker Was Ever In ~ Bro… Truth be told, bro, I don’t say “bro” that often, brah. But bro, Paul Walker, bro. He says “bro” or “brah” like every five minutes, bro. Seriously, brah, its annoying brah. Its like he’s permanently stuck in his college days, bro. His frat was probably Alpha Brahmma Bromega, bro. In his spare time he probably watches the Brodeo on TV, bro. His favorite insect is probably a cockBROach. When he hangs out with Vin Diesel they probably get really Bromantic. And after they’re done brocreating, brah, They go sledding on Walker’s sled that he calls Brosebud, bro, brah, holmes, bro.
5. “See, I Don’t Like That” – Hellboy, Hellboy ~ Granted, when I say it, its not nearly as intimidating as when Hellboy says it.
6. “Scrambie Eggs” – Chip Douglas, The Cable Guy ~ Jim Carrey’s charactor uttered this as he was being pushed out of Matthew Broderick’s apartment for buying Matthew Broderick a prostitute. In related news, Matthew Broderick likes prostitutes.
7. “Ffffft” – Ninja, Kung-fu flicks ~ Everytime a ninja does something, they move so fast that they actually kill the air particles around them. And when oxygen dies it makes a “ffft” sound. Technically its not a quote so much. But… I still use it every time I do daily stuff. When I sit-up in bed “ffft,” when I type on the computer “fft fft fft fft fft,” when I pour something to drink “fffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffft” pretty much everything, i need my sound effects.
8. “Giggity” – Quagmire, Family Guy ~ I don’t watch too much of the Family Guy, the flashbacks every three seconds tend to annoy me. And if there’s gonna be a spin-off, it shouldn’t be for Cleveland, it should be for Quagmire. At least Quagmire’s funny. There hasn’t been a miscarriage of justice like this since Tony Danza played football against the dinosaurs. *Flashback of Tony Danza playing football with dinosaurs*

Great Eight XXVIII: Eight TV Shows That I Wish Were Still On

The entire reason we even have TV anymore is because it gives money and super powers to people who run TV channels. No money, no TV. Thats why we all have a handful of favorite TV shows that no longer air on TV. So when they cancel The Daily Show’s Leftovers Show, I mean The Office, you’ll appreciate this list.

1. Super Human Samurai Cyber Squad ~ This show had Servo, the inter-computer ninja, a robotic computer dinosaur, and Joey Lawerence’s brother, Matthew, being sucked into his computer to fight deadly computer viruses. Yeah all that in one show. It was the leading cause of televisions exploding.
2. Doug ~ Best. Nicktoon. Ever. Doug & Skeeter kicks Ren’s & Stimpy’s, Tommy’s & Chucky’s, and Rocko’s & Heffer’s ass on a weekly basis on Nickelodeon. Then ABC bought the rights for Doug, lets not talk about that though. Patty Mayonnaise was hot!
3. Are You Afraid of the Dark? ~ This was X-files, Tales from the Crypt, The Twilight Zone and Friday the 13th: The Series all rolled into one and dumbed down for kids and sprinkled with magical parent-friendly dust. While other kids were reading Goosebumps for their horror fix, I was watching the original campfire stories told by the Midnight Society. Suck it, R.L. Stine, if those are your real initials.
4. That 80’s Show ~ That’s right. That 80’s Show. I didn’t care that I was the only fan of this show, I didn’t care that it was just a That 70’s Show spin-off. I didn’t even care that it got cancelled like 10 episodes in. If you didn’t like it you were UnAmerican, after all, the 80’s happened here in the US of an A. People from London didn’t get an 80’s. They didn’t get Tuesday’s hair spikes either. Thank you Chyler Leigh.
5. Dinosaurs ~ Speaking of spikes, wasn’t Robbie Sinclair dreamy, you know, for a dinosaur? This amazing live action costume-fest proved what I’ve been saying for years: Dinosaurs really do act like people, just like monkeys.
6. The Real Ghostbusters ~ To hell with the movies, the “Extreme” ghostbusters, The Not-Real Ghostbusters, and Ghosthunters, The Real Ghostbusters cartoon was by far the best cartoon in the history of… cartoons… Fun fact: The guy (Lorenzo Music) who voiced Peter Venkman in the Ghostbusters cartoon also voiced Garfield in the Garfield & Friends cartoons. The Ghostbusters movie starred this guy, let’s call him Bill Murray, as Peter Venkman. The Garfield movie had Murray voicing Garfield. Coincidence? Or the Power of Slimer? I’ll let you decide.
7. Now What? ~ Better known to the Canucks as “The Sausage Factory” Now What was the quitessential gap filler for high school sitcoms between Saved by the Bell and Degrassi: TNG. And one of the few things that MTV has done in the last decade, until they cancelled it.
8. Adventures of Pete & Pete ~ By far my favorite TV show ever. This show had the meloncholly vibe of Napolean Dynamite years before Nap started drawing Ligers. It was the perfect surreal kids show that will ever be made. That’s right, I just called it the best show in history, and future-ry. After all they had Artie. For he is Artie — The Strongest mannnn’ah… In the wooorld. It also had some now famous co-stars: Michelle Trachtenburg as Nona F. Mecklenberg, Adam West as Principal Ken Schwinger, Iggy Pop as James Mecklenberg, Janeane Garaff… Galurfano… Galapagos? as Ms. Brackett, LL Cool J as Mr. Throneberry, Michael Stipe as Captain Scrummy, and Selma Blair as Penelope Ghiruto. And lets not forget the best bullies ever: John McFlemp, “Chalkface” SanGreko, Papercut, Pitstain, Open-Face, and my personal favorite bully, “Endless” Mike Hellstrom.

Great Eight XXVII: Eight Future Ex-Wives

1. Adriana Lima

This uber hot Brazilian model claims to be a virgin. Yeah… And I claim to have a chance with her.

2. Shelly Martinez

She’s been a pin-up model, fetish model, pro wrestler, and softcore porn star. Q: What hasn’t she done? A: Marry me!!!

3. Bianca Beauchamp

Man, I can’t wait to pretend to be married to this chick.

4. Lin Chi Ling

I doubt she speaks English, but that just means this Chinese Model doesn’t know how to say “Restraining Order.” +1 to me.

5. Vikki Blows

How much blow could Vikki Blow blow, if Vikki Blow could blow blow? Answer: Infinity.

6. Olivia Munn

She’s a borderline geek being on G4. Thats OK because I am too! We’re practically twins.

7. April Scott

Totally beats Jessica Simpson on the hot Daisy Duke role.

8. Cristina Scabbia

Italian lead singer of Lacuna Coil, and my personal opinion the hottest chick in the world. Also in my personal opinion: *drool*.